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Ok, so after a night of binge drinking (and mimosas at brunch) I decide to stop drinking.  The very next day, my husband leaves for a business trip and I am left alone with the children.  Now, I know I mentioned how supportive he is so I feel compelled to mention here that he offered to cancel his business trip, even though it is an important one.  I just didn’t see the utility in him staying.  After all, I never drink when he travels so there will be nothing to worry about (obviously I had not yet had the revelation that I need help/support from people when I made this decision).  Anyway, he had removed all the wine and beer from the house so that nothing would tempt me.  The liquor cabinet stayed intact because I never drink hard alcohol.  I actually think it is a laziness factor.  The thought of having to figure out a mixer for anything just seems so labor intensive.  I can’t be bothered.  I digress.

Back to my point… So I am now left with the, “what do I drink now?” question.  I am obsessed with finding a replacement beverage.  Which is super weird because it’s not like I was a regular day drinker and I usually drink about a gallon of water a day but, for some reason, I had to have every beverage accounted for.  Do I try new funky teas?  Flavored sparkling?  What?  Well, I can’t drink caffeine (at least not a lot) and I don’t like soda so that eliminates a few options.  I usually have one cup of decaf coffee in the morning, so that is ok.  Then my gallon of water across the day but what happens when it’s time to get dinner ready and I would normally pour a glass of wine?

I decided to go with regular fizzy water.  But that didn’t seem to cut it.  So I poured it into a wine glass.  That was slightly better but wasn’t quite hitting the spot.  Trying to think of what I could do to make it more appealing (short of making it actual wine), I remembered a drink I had every day during my one and only ever cleanse experience: tart cherry juice concentrate in Pellegrino.  I actually had the ingredients so I made it in my wine glass.  Much better – and, aside from all the health benefits, it even looked like red wine!  Winner!

Now, mind you, the experience here is a slightly tart and odd flavored water with bubbles.  So how on earth is this satisfying?  Well, I realized that eliminating alcohol is not the only thing I need to do.  I need to replace the habit.  Much the way no form of nicotine gum, patch, or blowdart was going to help me quit smoking.  If it not for vapers, I would have never quit.  When the urge came over me, I needed the act of smoking a cigarette.  So, with minimal or no nicotine, my vapor got me to quit smoking.  I still break it out every now and again and it does the trick.  So, having a beverage in my wine glass that looked like wine seemed to do the same.

But, wait!  It’s not over yet.

The next night, while walking around my kitchen, high-fiving myself for finding the complete key to my sobriety (you would be surprised how often I have this thought), I noticed an extra bottle in the wine rack.

I know that earlier I mentioned that all the wine & beer was removed so I should clarify… We keep 3 bottles of wine in our wine rack that can not be drunk – because they are not drinkable.  One is a bottle of blueberry wine given to my husband by his best friend who since passed away.  One is from a friend’s wedding and I think made in LI.  Never drinking that but it was a great wedding so we keep it as a reminder.  And one a friend gave me for my 40th with a custom label.  That one is empty because, despite her warning to never drink it, I did try.  She was right.  Not drinkable.  But I keep the bottle as a fun memory.

So, what was this extra bottle?  It was a bottle of non-alcoholic cabernet.  My first thought was that it was a passive aggressive F-U from my husband.  Once I got over being pissed about that, I thought I would give it a try.  A little fruity.  Not the caliber of cab I usually enjoy, but I think it could work.  This could open a whole new world to me.  Not only will I be able to satisfy my habit while eliminating alcohol but I can also probably keep the fact that I am not drinking quieter for much longer.   What could possibly go wrong?

“The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word ‘crisis.’ One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity. In a crisis, be aware of the danger–but recognize the opportunity.”  

~ John F. Kennedy

So, week one and, while a few people know, only two key day to day figures in my life know what is going on; my husband and best friend.  I noticed that my husband is answering my phone calls, texts, and emails immediately – which never happens.  And when I call my friend, I get an immediate text, “I’m in a meeting, do you need me to step out?”  No, I was just calling to bitch about the kids loading the washer with cat poop this morning.  I thought it was a bit odd how attentive they were but then it dawned on me – they think I am in crisis.  All the time.  As evidenced by the tone in their voice when they say, “how are you doing?”  Which they ask me several times a day.

It is kind of crazy because I don’t feel in crisis.  Crisis to me is something that happens in the moment but passes.  It’s not an ongoing thing.  I was in crisis the other night.  I am not now.  I am just not drinking.  Of course, when I have to think about what I might do at the party next Saturday night, or the next holiday, or my next business trip in 3 months, well that is a different story.  But as long as I focus on the here and now, I think I am fine.  Perhaps there is something behind that slogan, “One Day at a Time.”

I was raised that not being able to handle, well, anything really, is a sign of weakness.  Don’t even get me started on asking for help.  So the idea that anyone thinks I am at home in crisis mode and in need of support or help is, well, kind of offensive.  My first thought when I realized this was that I need to assure them that I am fine and need nothing – right now, I need to let them know right now.  I know, that is the most f-ed up response to the people closest to me wanting to help me.  But perhaps that has something to do with how I got here.  I really had to stop myself and think it through.  I knew I was being ridiculous but I didn’t know how else to handle it.

Perhaps this is my crisis.  Not so much the not drinking but trying to figure out who I am and want to be in this world.  I run the danger of keeping everything to myself and “handling” it all on my own – which we all know has never worked.  But perhaps this is my opportunity to be someone different.  Maybe I can become that person who is ok saying, I’m not ok.  And maybe I can be that person who says, I need help.  And then maybe, just maybe, I can become that person who accepts the help and support I am offered.  Maybe.

I suppose in the new world of sobriety, everything is a first.  But this is a real first for me.  My very first blog!  I have no plan or outline or goals to fill for myself.  I just wanted a place to share.  So I guess I will start with how I got here.

We’ve all heard about “rock bottom.”  Well, if you figure out what that is, please let me know.  I think I can list at least a dozen experiences of mine that others might consider rock bottom but I managed to soldier on.  I am an unapologetically outspoken person who likes to drink and am a little quirky to boot.  So “humiliating” myself in a drunken stooper rarely felt humiliating.  Even now, through my sober lens, I still find most of the stories pretty humorous.  I work and have my own business but I am not the primary breadwinner in my family so, while the more I make the better, the slow demise of my business did not put me (or us) in ruins.  And I was pretty good at keeping it from my children.  I mean, they knew I drank, they’ve seen me drunk… ok, maybe I didn’t hide it well from them.  But there wasn’t some big “When A Man Loves A Woman” moment with one of my kids that got me here (this is a reference to a scene in the movie “When A Man Loves A Woman” – if you are unfamiliar with the movie, just trust me, it’s pretty bad).   And it’s not like I put Baily’s in my coffee every morning or am pleasantly buzzed by the time the children get home.  I’m more of a binge drinker.  And I’m a smart binge drinker at that.  I know how to plan my binges so that I am not responsible for anything major and sleeping off a hangover can be properly scheduled in.

So, how did I get here?

I’ve contemplated sobriety many times, but it just never seemed practical to me.  The holidays were coming, a business trip (that needless to say required drinking) was fast approaching, my children/work/life were too stressful for sobriety, it was Tuesday.  All the usual reasons.  In addition, I have an enabler as a spouse.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining.  It worked to my benefit for many many years!  He is a wonderful and supportive person.  But he also happens to be an enabler and I always knew how to get him on board.  And, finally, I surrounded myself with drinkers who were always willing to throw down with me and I didn’t want to risk losing my friends for sobriety!

But when my closest and dearest and least judgemental friends let me know they were worried, some signals went off.  My first thought was, I clearly need to hide my drinking from them.  In retrospect, that probably should have been my first clue.  That was two years ago and I am only recently sober.  So, it clearly didn’t hit me quickly.  But it was with those exact same friends a little over a month ago that I admitted I needed help.  I’m not sure how they heard me from the backseat of the car with my head in the bucket they gave me in case I threw up, but they did and kindly reminded me of it all the next day.

My husband, at the behest of my friends, researched in and outpatient placements but they were simply not in our budget.  Not to mention the fact that we have more than a few children and my presence in the house was necessary – sober or not.  I am very familiar with 12 step programs.  I grew up with and currently know alcoholics/addicts.  Some recovering, some not.  I’ve also attended Al-Anon on and off most of my life so none of this was new.  But, and maybe this is because I am familiar with it, it seemed so overwhelming.  Too much responsibility and accountability that I wasn’t ready for.  I even have a very close friend who has been sober for a long time but I couldn’t bring myself to call her.  It was just too much.

So, I admitted I need to stop drinking.  But I also gave myself permission to fall off the wagon under about 93 different circumstances should they arise.  This way I didn’t have to harbor too much guilt should I fall.  I asked my husband not to drink at home, came up with some ever so sneaky ways to make sure no one knew I wasn’t drinking (because the best way to get sober is to keep it a complete secret), and my journey begins!