I had a great and desperately needed night tonight!  A friend I have not seen in a few years texted me out of the blue yesterday to say she was in town for business and would I possibly be free for dinner tonight (about 90 minutes away).  With four children and work I had to rearrange a lot but I knew I had to see her.  I just had a feeling she was someone who I could talk to and it would be a completely judgment-free zone.  She grew up with recovery in her family and I knew she would get it.  I had no idea just how much she would get it.  I feel completely energized and strong and actually excited to continue on my journey.  I mean, I’m not going public or anything but I do feel good.

I spent the entire hour and a half train ride practicing how to tell her I was not drinking.   I was actually freaking out a little.  Even though I knew she would understand, I haven’t told anyone yet so I did not know how to do that.  What is my reason?  It doesn’t mix with my meds?  I drink too much? I had a bad night and am trying to regroup?  There are definitely certain words I am not ready to use.  I’m not even sure I can say this is permanent.  It may not be.  Ugh, what was I thinking?  Why am I going?  WTF?

I looked up the restaurant and saw that they had some fun funky non-alcoholic drinks on the menu so that was a good start but still, she might not recognize me without a big glass of red in my hand.  Sure enough, I ordered my fruity concoction and she immediately said, “what the fuck is that?”

Me: I’m not drinking, I’ll explain later.

Friend:  Ok.

Me:  I mean, I don’t think we need to do a deep dive into it or anything.

Friend:  Ok.

OK?  Now I was confused.  She didn’t press me, she didn’t ask questions, she didn’t make fun.  What the hell is going on?  So I started to dance around why I wasn’t drinking.  I wasn’t sure what to say but I needed a response that I could understand, even if it was negative.  It never was.  I think I said something about my anxiety/depression and meds and that something was wrong but I wasn’s sure what but that drinking was the one thing I could control so I’m stopping that and will figure out the rest later.  I’m sure most of it was unintelligible babble.

She listened and said things like, “that makes sense” “that must have been hard” “that sounds like a good decision” etc.  When my babbling started to die down she said, “Ya know, [her husband] stopped drinking 10 months ago.”

Me:  Really?  Why?

Friend:  Because he’s an alcoholic.

Me:  Yeah, I’m not there yet.

And, there I had it.  The word I’ve been dancing all around.  Nope, not saying it.  Not yet.  Implying that maybe someday I will?  I don’t know.

The rest of the night was amazing and went way too fast.  Just real honest and matter-of-fact discussion about her experiences, her husband’s experiences, my experiences, and my husband’s experiences.  No judgment, no labels, no one trying to fix anything, just good honest talk.

I can see how an outsider might say, “what the hell else would you expect from your friend?”  But the reality is that no matter how wonderful, supportive, and loving your friends are, if they do not get it and I mean really get it, there is a difference in how they approach the conversations.  There is no way to be better at it, it just happens naturally or not.  And this was the most natural conversation.

I’m feeling much more confident and less out on an island by myself.  She gave me a lot of examples of how much easier her husband’s journey was once they started telling people.  It all made perfect sense to me and I can’t wait until I am there, but I am definitely not there yet.  But I like feeling like I might be at some point.  Hearing about someone I know and respect going through the same thing I am was very comforting – the good and the bad.  I feel a sense of normalcy and empowerment I did not feel several hours ago.

Entwined in this conversation was also a lot of discussion about parenting.  Mostly confirming that she and I are better parents than most but also a great refresher on the positive discipline approach that I really needed.  In addition to all the other new facets in my life, I have been in need of revamping our parenting approach.  We have two teenagers and two almost teenagers and things have been a little out of control.  We have always aligned with positive discipline but now seems like the perfect time to regroup and get back in line so this conversation was poignant and timely.

But, through all of the above, I think the most important thing she reminded me of was that my husband and I are a team in this and we can’t forget that.  And by “this,” I mean everything.  Whatever difficulty I am dealing with today, whatever are the needs of our children, whatever joys or tragedies or anything in between that life throws at us.  Nothing is just happening to me and nothing is just happening to him.  We are in this together and we need to work as such.

So, to my friend, thank you for the insight, support, and much-needed reminders.  I am forever grateful!

“This is my friend. She’s not drinking. She’s way more fun when she’s drinking!”

So, last night I attended my first party sober. In attendance were many friends with whom I usually get my drink on so I was super nervous. I decided to take a big step and tell the hostess that I would not be drinking at the party. Note: I did not tell her I was no longer drinking, just that I would not be drinking at the party. I told her that I was getting over a cold and couldn’t drink yet but would still attend and asked her not to make a big deal about it. In case you are wondering how this ends, let me jump ahead… that was a mistake.

First, she gave me all the reasons why drinking with a cold would be fine. Then she offered to swing by and drop off a variety of over the counter and not-so-over-the-counter cures for my cold/illness that would make drinking absolutely fine. All offers I had to navigate away from. Then, at the party, she introduced me several times with, “This is my friend. She’s not drinking. She’s WAY more fun when she’s drinking!” And finally, when she saw me with a glass of my non-alcoholic swill, she would yell, “OMG, are you drinking REAL wine? Did you finally have a glass of wine?” It was painful.

Now, I really don’t fault my friend in this one. To be fair, I did not tell her the truth nor did I indicate that I needed any help or support. I could have just said I (or one of my many children) was sick and bailed. But I chose to make up a stupid lie and soldier on. Somehow that was the smart option in my head. Plus, I am a really fun drunk. I mean really fun. People love me when I am drinking – the life of the party so to speak – and that is who my friend thought/hoped was showing up.

My anxiety was skyrocketing leading up to our departure time. I was trying desperately trick my husband into telling me it would be ok to drink at the party. But he didn’t bite. Not even a little. As we pulled into the driveway I was madly texting my friend who was giving me all kinds of advice, excuses, and outs for the evening. I finally decided to take one of my prescription helpers. I suffer from anxiety on a good day but I rarely availed myself of these little sanctuaries because they don’t mix with alcohol. I learned that the hard way – Suffice it to say that airplane scene from Bridesmaids is more realistic than you think. But I’m not drinking now, so it should be fine. It was.

So, armed with my little dose of courage and a bottle of non-alcoholic cab, we entered the party. It was really hard. Harder than I thought. I wasn’t necessarily craving wine (although the centerpiece of fireball shots was looking particularly appetizing) but I didn’t know what to do with myself. Without my liquid courage to guzzle, I had no idea what my plan was. Do I talk to strangers? Find familiar faces? It was too crowded to offer to help with anything. Do I start passing food? How on earth was I going to make it to 10pm (the earliest time I thought it would be appropriate to leave)? I was so self-conscious that when I did talk to people I was so worried the conversation would wane that it actually did. Again, I am usually a whirling dervish of fun at these things so I was completely out of my element. At random points in the evening, I found myself organizing the liquor table, the appetizers, several piles of napkins, and, at one point, the actual pieces of cheese on the cheese plate. I did notice the cheese did not go quickly after that.

Eventually, my husband and I got some food and found a little sitting area with no one around. I looked around at people I had hoped to see and get to know better and was sad that I wasn’t sitting with them and didn’t have the courage to up and interrupt their group and just join. I started to feel left out and sorry for myself.

Then, as if right on cue, a friend walked over and joined us. Then her husband. Then another friend. Then a stranger. And the group started to gel. I polished off my non-alcoholic wine (with no one the wiser) and before I knew it, it was after midnight! I made it past midnight and, for the most part, no one knew I wasn’t drinking. I could leave with my head held high.

It was very stressful getting to and through the evening but I did it and that is all that matters. Also, it didn’t suck to not wake up with a hangover this morning. I don’t know if it will be easier next time and I’m in no rush to find out. I made it through last night and now I need a break.

Ok, so after a night of binge drinking (and mimosas at brunch) I decide to stop drinking.  The very next day, my husband leaves for a business trip and I am left alone with the children.  Now, I know I mentioned how supportive he is so I feel compelled to mention here that he offered to cancel his business trip, even though it is an important one.  I just didn’t see the utility in him staying.  After all, I never drink when he travels so there will be nothing to worry about (obviously I had not yet had the revelation that I need help/support from people when I made this decision).  Anyway, he had removed all the wine and beer from the house so that nothing would tempt me.  The liquor cabinet stayed intact because I never drink hard alcohol.  I actually think it is a laziness factor.  The thought of having to figure out a mixer for anything just seems so labor intensive.  I can’t be bothered.  I digress.

Back to my point… So I am now left with the, “what do I drink now?” question.  I am obsessed with finding a replacement beverage.  Which is super weird because it’s not like I was a regular day drinker and I usually drink about a gallon of water a day but, for some reason, I had to have every beverage accounted for.  Do I try new funky teas?  Flavored sparkling?  What?  Well, I can’t drink caffeine (at least not a lot) and I don’t like soda so that eliminates a few options.  I usually have one cup of decaf coffee in the morning, so that is ok.  Then my gallon of water across the day but what happens when it’s time to get dinner ready and I would normally pour a glass of wine?

I decided to go with regular fizzy water.  But that didn’t seem to cut it.  So I poured it into a wine glass.  That was slightly better but wasn’t quite hitting the spot.  Trying to think of what I could do to make it more appealing (short of making it actual wine), I remembered a drink I had every day during my one and only ever cleanse experience: tart cherry juice concentrate in Pellegrino.  I actually had the ingredients so I made it in my wine glass.  Much better – and, aside from all the health benefits, it even looked like red wine!  Winner!

Now, mind you, the experience here is a slightly tart and odd flavored water with bubbles.  So how on earth is this satisfying?  Well, I realized that eliminating alcohol is not the only thing I need to do.  I need to replace the habit.  Much the way no form of nicotine gum, patch, or blowdart was going to help me quit smoking.  If it not for vapers, I would have never quit.  When the urge came over me, I needed the act of smoking a cigarette.  So, with minimal or no nicotine, my vapor got me to quit smoking.  I still break it out every now and again and it does the trick.  So, having a beverage in my wine glass that looked like wine seemed to do the same.

But, wait!  It’s not over yet.

The next night, while walking around my kitchen, high-fiving myself for finding the complete key to my sobriety (you would be surprised how often I have this thought), I noticed an extra bottle in the wine rack.

I know that earlier I mentioned that all the wine & beer was removed so I should clarify… We keep 3 bottles of wine in our wine rack that can not be drunk – because they are not drinkable.  One is a bottle of blueberry wine given to my husband by his best friend who since passed away.  One is from a friend’s wedding and I think made in LI.  Never drinking that but it was a great wedding so we keep it as a reminder.  And one a friend gave me for my 40th with a custom label.  That one is empty because, despite her warning to never drink it, I did try.  She was right.  Not drinkable.  But I keep the bottle as a fun memory.

So, what was this extra bottle?  It was a bottle of non-alcoholic cabernet.  My first thought was that it was a passive aggressive F-U from my husband.  Once I got over being pissed about that, I thought I would give it a try.  A little fruity.  Not the caliber of cab I usually enjoy, but I think it could work.  This could open a whole new world to me.  Not only will I be able to satisfy my habit while eliminating alcohol but I can also probably keep the fact that I am not drinking quieter for much longer.   What could possibly go wrong?

“The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word ‘crisis.’ One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity. In a crisis, be aware of the danger–but recognize the opportunity.”  

~ John F. Kennedy

So, week one and, while a few people know, only two key day to day figures in my life know what is going on; my husband and best friend.  I noticed that my husband is answering my phone calls, texts, and emails immediately – which never happens.  And when I call my friend, I get an immediate text, “I’m in a meeting, do you need me to step out?”  No, I was just calling to bitch about the kids loading the washer with cat poop this morning.  I thought it was a bit odd how attentive they were but then it dawned on me – they think I am in crisis.  All the time.  As evidenced by the tone in their voice when they say, “how are you doing?”  Which they ask me several times a day.

It is kind of crazy because I don’t feel in crisis.  Crisis to me is something that happens in the moment but passes.  It’s not an ongoing thing.  I was in crisis the other night.  I am not now.  I am just not drinking.  Of course, when I have to think about what I might do at the party next Saturday night, or the next holiday, or my next business trip in 3 months, well that is a different story.  But as long as I focus on the here and now, I think I am fine.  Perhaps there is something behind that slogan, “One Day at a Time.”

I was raised that not being able to handle, well, anything really, is a sign of weakness.  Don’t even get me started on asking for help.  So the idea that anyone thinks I am at home in crisis mode and in need of support or help is, well, kind of offensive.  My first thought when I realized this was that I need to assure them that I am fine and need nothing – right now, I need to let them know right now.  I know, that is the most f-ed up response to the people closest to me wanting to help me.  But perhaps that has something to do with how I got here.  I really had to stop myself and think it through.  I knew I was being ridiculous but I didn’t know how else to handle it.

Perhaps this is my crisis.  Not so much the not drinking but trying to figure out who I am and want to be in this world.  I run the danger of keeping everything to myself and “handling” it all on my own – which we all know has never worked.  But perhaps this is my opportunity to be someone different.  Maybe I can become that person who is ok saying, I’m not ok.  And maybe I can be that person who says, I need help.  And then maybe, just maybe, I can become that person who accepts the help and support I am offered.  Maybe.

I suppose in the new world of sobriety, everything is a first.  But this is a real first for me.  My very first blog!  I have no plan or outline or goals to fill for myself.  I just wanted a place to share.  So I guess I will start with how I got here.

We’ve all heard about “rock bottom.”  Well, if you figure out what that is, please let me know.  I think I can list at least a dozen experiences of mine that others might consider rock bottom but I managed to soldier on.  I am an unapologetically outspoken person who likes to drink and am a little quirky to boot.  So “humiliating” myself in a drunken stooper rarely felt humiliating.  Even now, through my sober lens, I still find most of the stories pretty humorous.  I work and have my own business but I am not the primary breadwinner in my family so, while the more I make the better, the slow demise of my business did not put me (or us) in ruins.  And I was pretty good at keeping it from my children.  I mean, they knew I drank, they’ve seen me drunk… ok, maybe I didn’t hide it well from them.  But there wasn’t some big “When A Man Loves A Woman” moment with one of my kids that got me here (this is a reference to a scene in the movie “When A Man Loves A Woman” – if you are unfamiliar with the movie, just trust me, it’s pretty bad).   And it’s not like I put Baily’s in my coffee every morning or am pleasantly buzzed by the time the children get home.  I’m more of a binge drinker.  And I’m a smart binge drinker at that.  I know how to plan my binges so that I am not responsible for anything major and sleeping off a hangover can be properly scheduled in.

So, how did I get here?

I’ve contemplated sobriety many times, but it just never seemed practical to me.  The holidays were coming, a business trip (that needless to say required drinking) was fast approaching, my children/work/life were too stressful for sobriety, it was Tuesday.  All the usual reasons.  In addition, I have an enabler as a spouse.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining.  It worked to my benefit for many many years!  He is a wonderful and supportive person.  But he also happens to be an enabler and I always knew how to get him on board.  And, finally, I surrounded myself with drinkers who were always willing to throw down with me and I didn’t want to risk losing my friends for sobriety!

But when my closest and dearest and least judgemental friends let me know they were worried, some signals went off.  My first thought was, I clearly need to hide my drinking from them.  In retrospect, that probably should have been my first clue.  That was two years ago and I am only recently sober.  So, it clearly didn’t hit me quickly.  But it was with those exact same friends a little over a month ago that I admitted I needed help.  I’m not sure how they heard me from the backseat of the car with my head in the bucket they gave me in case I threw up, but they did and kindly reminded me of it all the next day.

My husband, at the behest of my friends, researched in and outpatient placements but they were simply not in our budget.  Not to mention the fact that we have more than a few children and my presence in the house was necessary – sober or not.  I am very familiar with 12 step programs.  I grew up with and currently know alcoholics/addicts.  Some recovering, some not.  I’ve also attended Al-Anon on and off most of my life so none of this was new.  But, and maybe this is because I am familiar with it, it seemed so overwhelming.  Too much responsibility and accountability that I wasn’t ready for.  I even have a very close friend who has been sober for a long time but I couldn’t bring myself to call her.  It was just too much.

So, I admitted I need to stop drinking.  But I also gave myself permission to fall off the wagon under about 93 different circumstances should they arise.  This way I didn’t have to harbor too much guilt should I fall.  I asked my husband not to drink at home, came up with some ever so sneaky ways to make sure no one knew I wasn’t drinking (because the best way to get sober is to keep it a complete secret), and my journey begins!