Yesterday was my 6 month sober anniversary. I have attended exactly 3 AA meetings, all of which were on a business trip and each of which was crucial. I had my 90 day anniversary in one of those meetings and it meant so much to be surrounded by people who personally knew what I was going through and where I was. I knew then that I needed to go to more meetings. I came home ready to find a meeting that would be my “club” (my father always called his regular meeting placed The Club). I would meet new people and be an active participant, not only with my own sobriety, but I would help others with theirs. I have not darkened the doorway of an AA meeting since.
I also haven’t written a single post. I’m not entirely sure why. Lord knows I have plenty to write about, but the spirit hasn’t moved me.
I’ve looked at meeting schedules and there is actually one in my town. But, with 4 children, it is always easy to find a reason that something is impossible. I rarely discuss my sobriety with anyone or how it impacts me. I have gotten to a place where I think it’s just my problem – and it is! But that doesn’t mean I have to keep it to myself. That doesn’t mean I can’t ask for help or support. That doesn’t mean I have to suffer (and yes, sometimes it is suffering) or rejoice alone. But with whom?
My best friend is empathetic and tremendously supportive but she is going through her own life transition and can’t be there for all the minutiae. While I know my husband wants to be supportive, he has treated my sobriety much the way he treated my drinking – by ignoring it. I’ve told my children, extended family, and most other people the reason I have stopped drinking is that I can not drink while taking one of my medications – which has the benefit of being true but gives the conversation a different slant. I have a good friend who has been sober for 20 years and we have some great conversations but I don’t get to see her very much and I don’t want to be a burden – even though I know she would never think that, it’s my perception so it’s my reality.
So, at 6 months and a day, I think I need to find a meeting I can get to and commit to it. I’m still not completely comfortable with what I envision as an enormous commitment to a 12 step program. I really don’t see myself getting a sponsor and actively working the steps. But I do sense I need the connection. A connection to those who have been in my shoes. Somewhere I can talk about the minutiae and everyone gets why it is so trying, so sad, and so hilarious all at the same time. I’ve had times that I want to cave in and drink and those times are hard and will continue to be – although, hopefully, fewer and farther between – but I do know that my commitment to my sobriety is very strong. I’m not afraid of slipping so much as how I will get through those tough times.
So, at 6 months and a day, I am committing to finding a meeting.