I just found out that Facebook may be suggesting a group I joined to my Facebook friends because I am a member. This might not be such a big deal if the name of the group wasn’t Alcoholics Anonymous (not affiliated with the actual AA, just the name of the FB group). An old colleague of a member sent her a screen shot of the suggestion with the message, “Not judging but thought you would like to know.” My first thought was, “Oh, fuck!” Then I started reading the comments from others. Some people were thrilled it might be out in the open. Some people professed their pride in their sobriety. Some tried to figure out if this was really happening and if they could find a solution. Some simply said, “outta here!” I understand all of those responses.
A few weeks ago, when I searched possible Facebook groups focused on recovery, I actually came across a few where friends of mine popped up as members (some I knew were in recovery, some not) and I purposely avoided those groups. I know that may sound counterintuitive. After all, that does mean they are in the same boat as I am but it just wasn’t a conversation I wanted to invite. So I went with one that had no mutual friends. And now this. There are a number of people who would receive the suggestion and just laugh and assume it’s a joke. But then I think of all the people who would be like, “WTF?” and reach out to me to find out what is going on. Or those who would see it and then not say anything to me but tell everyone else and talk about it behind my back. But isn’t the right thing to do just leave it be and say nothing? What would I do if that happened? I have no idea. This is about when the panic attack started to set in.
The only reason this did not turn into a full on panic attack is that I found out about this AFTER I saw that the group was switched from Closed to Secret. So, any damage done is just that: done. And, for the moment, it is safe to be there. But then I am also sad because if the group is Secret then potential members can’t find it and get the needed support that so many others benefited from. This whole anonymity thing sucks.
I have always been in awe of people in recovery. I think it is something they should be proud of. But that is probably because I grew up with my father in recovery and I saw what an impressive thing that was. But I also know that many people see it as a default. If you are “recovering,” not “recovered,” that means you could slip at any point, and what does that mean? People don’t know and I think we have proven as a society that we are deathly afraid of what we don’t know or understand. And, thus, the stigma lingers on.
I have a friend who was on a business trip with a colleague and realized she needed to borrow the woman’s car to get to an AA meeting so she came clean to the woman. The woman said she would sooner have believed my friend was a Russian spy than an alcoholic. Why? Because my friend did not fit whatever profile this woman had in her head of what an alcoholic was. Perhaps, had she known all along, they would not have become friendly enough to have shared a room on a business trip and been close enough for my friend to feel comfortable to ask to borrow her car. Because, in this woman’s mind, there was a very negative connotation attached to the word alcoholic and my friend did not fit in to that perception.
A month ago I would have left the group before reading any comments to the initial post and if anyone mentioned it to me I would have said someone added me as a joke. I also would have been in a full monkey-tilt panic for days. But today I took a deep breath and made a decision not to let it get to me. I decided not to freak out about what was done. The group is Secret now so I do not have to worry about it for the moment, so I won’t.
My comment to the group:
“I’m 6 weeks sober and desperately trying to hide it from friends, family, and co-workers. I completely understand people who are scared and choosing to leave. But I am making the decision to not let this get to me. I am choosing not to freak out. I see the group has been changed to secret now, which solves the problem for the moment, except potential new members won’t be able to see it. Everything I’ve done for the last 6 weeks has been scarey as hell. Why stop now? Thank you to those staying and offering ongoing support. For those leaving, I completely understand. Thank you for your contributions and I hope you find the ongoing support you want and need moving forward!”