I had a great and desperately needed night tonight! A friend I have not seen in a few years texted me out of the blue yesterday to say she was in town for business and would I possibly be free for dinner tonight (about 90 minutes away). With four children and work I had to rearrange a lot but I knew I had to see her. I just had a feeling she was someone who I could talk to and it would be a completely judgment-free zone. She grew up with recovery in her family and I knew she would get it. I had no idea just how much she would get it. I feel completely energized and strong and actually excited to continue on my journey. I mean, I’m not going public or anything but I do feel good.
I spent the entire hour and a half train ride practicing how to tell her I was not drinking. I was actually freaking out a little. Even though I knew she would understand, I haven’t told anyone yet so I did not know how to do that. What is my reason? It doesn’t mix with my meds? I drink too much? I had a bad night and am trying to regroup? There are definitely certain words I am not ready to use. I’m not even sure I can say this is permanent. It may not be. Ugh, what was I thinking? Why am I going? WTF?
I looked up the restaurant and saw that they had some fun funky non-alcoholic drinks on the menu so that was a good start but still, she might not recognize me without a big glass of red in my hand. Sure enough, I ordered my fruity concoction and she immediately said, “what the fuck is that?”
Me: I’m not drinking, I’ll explain later.
Friend: Ok.
Me: I mean, I don’t think we need to do a deep dive into it or anything.
Friend: Ok.
OK? Now I was confused. She didn’t press me, she didn’t ask questions, she didn’t make fun. What the hell is going on? So I started to dance around why I wasn’t drinking. I wasn’t sure what to say but I needed a response that I could understand, even if it was negative. It never was. I think I said something about my anxiety/depression and meds and that something was wrong but I wasn’s sure what but that drinking was the one thing I could control so I’m stopping that and will figure out the rest later. I’m sure most of it was unintelligible babble.
She listened and said things like, “that makes sense” “that must have been hard” “that sounds like a good decision” etc. When my babbling started to die down she said, “Ya know, [her husband] stopped drinking 10 months ago.”
Me: Really? Why?
Friend: Because he’s an alcoholic.
Me: Yeah, I’m not there yet.
And, there I had it. The word I’ve been dancing all around. Nope, not saying it. Not yet. Implying that maybe someday I will? I don’t know.
The rest of the night was amazing and went way too fast. Just real honest and matter-of-fact discussion about her experiences, her husband’s experiences, my experiences, and my husband’s experiences. No judgment, no labels, no one trying to fix anything, just good honest talk.
I can see how an outsider might say, “what the hell else would you expect from your friend?” But the reality is that no matter how wonderful, supportive, and loving your friends are, if they do not get it and I mean really get it, there is a difference in how they approach the conversations. There is no way to be better at it, it just happens naturally or not. And this was the most natural conversation.
I’m feeling much more confident and less out on an island by myself. She gave me a lot of examples of how much easier her husband’s journey was once they started telling people. It all made perfect sense to me and I can’t wait until I am there, but I am definitely not there yet. But I like feeling like I might be at some point. Hearing about someone I know and respect going through the same thing I am was very comforting – the good and the bad. I feel a sense of normalcy and empowerment I did not feel several hours ago.
Entwined in this conversation was also a lot of discussion about parenting. Mostly confirming that she and I are better parents than most but also a great refresher on the positive discipline approach that I really needed. In addition to all the other new facets in my life, I have been in need of revamping our parenting approach. We have two teenagers and two almost teenagers and things have been a little out of control. We have always aligned with positive discipline but now seems like the perfect time to regroup and get back in line so this conversation was poignant and timely.
But, through all of the above, I think the most important thing she reminded me of was that my husband and I are a team in this and we can’t forget that. And by “this,” I mean everything. Whatever difficulty I am dealing with today, whatever are the needs of our children, whatever joys or tragedies or anything in between that life throws at us. Nothing is just happening to me and nothing is just happening to him. We are in this together and we need to work as such.
So, to my friend, thank you for the insight, support, and much-needed reminders. I am forever grateful!