“This is my friend. She’s not drinking. She’s way more fun when she’s drinking!”
So, last night I attended my first party sober. In attendance were many friends with whom I usually get my drink on so I was super nervous. I decided to take a big step and tell the hostess that I would not be drinking at the party. Note: I did not tell her I was no longer drinking, just that I would not be drinking at the party. I told her that I was getting over a cold and couldn’t drink yet but would still attend and asked her not to make a big deal about it. In case you are wondering how this ends, let me jump ahead… that was a mistake.
First, she gave me all the reasons why drinking with a cold would be fine. Then she offered to swing by and drop off a variety of over the counter and not-so-over-the-counter cures for my cold/illness that would make drinking absolutely fine. All offers I had to navigate away from. Then, at the party, she introduced me several times with, “This is my friend. She’s not drinking. She’s WAY more fun when she’s drinking!” And finally, when she saw me with a glass of my non-alcoholic swill, she would yell, “OMG, are you drinking REAL wine? Did you finally have a glass of wine?” It was painful.
Now, I really don’t fault my friend in this one. To be fair, I did not tell her the truth nor did I indicate that I needed any help or support. I could have just said I (or one of my many children) was sick and bailed. But I chose to make up a stupid lie and soldier on. Somehow that was the smart option in my head. Plus, I am a really fun drunk. I mean really fun. People love me when I am drinking – the life of the party so to speak – and that is who my friend thought/hoped was showing up.
My anxiety was skyrocketing leading up to our departure time. I was trying desperately trick my husband into telling me it would be ok to drink at the party. But he didn’t bite. Not even a little. As we pulled into the driveway I was madly texting my friend who was giving me all kinds of advice, excuses, and outs for the evening. I finally decided to take one of my prescription helpers. I suffer from anxiety on a good day but I rarely availed myself of these little sanctuaries because they don’t mix with alcohol. I learned that the hard way – Suffice it to say that airplane scene from Bridesmaids is more realistic than you think. But I’m not drinking now, so it should be fine. It was.
So, armed with my little dose of courage and a bottle of non-alcoholic cab, we entered the party. It was really hard. Harder than I thought. I wasn’t necessarily craving wine (although the centerpiece of fireball shots was looking particularly appetizing) but I didn’t know what to do with myself. Without my liquid courage to guzzle, I had no idea what my plan was. Do I talk to strangers? Find familiar faces? It was too crowded to offer to help with anything. Do I start passing food? How on earth was I going to make it to 10pm (the earliest time I thought it would be appropriate to leave)? I was so self-conscious that when I did talk to people I was so worried the conversation would wane that it actually did. Again, I am usually a whirling dervish of fun at these things so I was completely out of my element. At random points in the evening, I found myself organizing the liquor table, the appetizers, several piles of napkins, and, at one point, the actual pieces of cheese on the cheese plate. I did notice the cheese did not go quickly after that.
Eventually, my husband and I got some food and found a little sitting area with no one around. I looked around at people I had hoped to see and get to know better and was sad that I wasn’t sitting with them and didn’t have the courage to up and interrupt their group and just join. I started to feel left out and sorry for myself.
Then, as if right on cue, a friend walked over and joined us. Then her husband. Then another friend. Then a stranger. And the group started to gel. I polished off my non-alcoholic wine (with no one the wiser) and before I knew it, it was after midnight! I made it past midnight and, for the most part, no one knew I wasn’t drinking. I could leave with my head held high.
It was very stressful getting to and through the evening but I did it and that is all that matters. Also, it didn’t suck to not wake up with a hangover this morning. I don’t know if it will be easier next time and I’m in no rush to find out. I made it through last night and now I need a break.