Crisis?

“The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word ‘crisis.’ One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity. In a crisis, be aware of the danger–but recognize the opportunity.”  

~ John F. Kennedy

So, week one and, while a few people know, only two key day to day figures in my life know what is going on; my husband and best friend.  I noticed that my husband is answering my phone calls, texts, and emails immediately – which never happens.  And when I call my friend, I get an immediate text, “I’m in a meeting, do you need me to step out?”  No, I was just calling to bitch about the kids loading the washer with cat poop this morning.  I thought it was a bit odd how attentive they were but then it dawned on me – they think I am in crisis.  All the time.  As evidenced by the tone in their voice when they say, “how are you doing?”  Which they ask me several times a day.

It is kind of crazy because I don’t feel in crisis.  Crisis to me is something that happens in the moment but passes.  It’s not an ongoing thing.  I was in crisis the other night.  I am not now.  I am just not drinking.  Of course, when I have to think about what I might do at the party next Saturday night, or the next holiday, or my next business trip in 3 months, well that is a different story.  But as long as I focus on the here and now, I think I am fine.  Perhaps there is something behind that slogan, “One Day at a Time.”

I was raised that not being able to handle, well, anything really, is a sign of weakness.  Don’t even get me started on asking for help.  So the idea that anyone thinks I am at home in crisis mode and in need of support or help is, well, kind of offensive.  My first thought when I realized this was that I need to assure them that I am fine and need nothing – right now, I need to let them know right now.  I know, that is the most f-ed up response to the people closest to me wanting to help me.  But perhaps that has something to do with how I got here.  I really had to stop myself and think it through.  I knew I was being ridiculous but I didn’t know how else to handle it.

Perhaps this is my crisis.  Not so much the not drinking but trying to figure out who I am and want to be in this world.  I run the danger of keeping everything to myself and “handling” it all on my own – which we all know has never worked.  But perhaps this is my opportunity to be someone different.  Maybe I can become that person who is ok saying, I’m not ok.  And maybe I can be that person who says, I need help.  And then maybe, just maybe, I can become that person who accepts the help and support I am offered.  Maybe.