“The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word ‘crisis.’ One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity. In a crisis, be aware of the danger–but recognize the opportunity.”
~ John F. Kennedy
So, week one and, while a few people know, only two key day to day figures in my life know what is going on; my husband and best friend. I noticed that my husband is answering my phone calls, texts, and emails immediately – which never happens. And when I call my friend, I get an immediate text, “I’m in a meeting, do you need me to step out?” No, I was just calling to bitch about the kids loading the washer with cat poop this morning. I thought it was a bit odd how attentive they were but then it dawned on me – they think I am in crisis. All the time. As evidenced by the tone in their voice when they say, “how are you doing?” Which they ask me several times a day.
It is kind of crazy because I don’t feel in crisis. Crisis to me is something that happens in the moment but passes. It’s not an ongoing thing. I was in crisis the other night. I am not now. I am just not drinking. Of course, when I have to think about what I might do at the party next Saturday night, or the next holiday, or my next business trip in 3 months, well that is a different story. But as long as I focus on the here and now, I think I am fine. Perhaps there is something behind that slogan, “One Day at a Time.”
I was raised that not being able to handle, well, anything really, is a sign of weakness. Don’t even get me started on asking for help. So the idea that anyone thinks I am at home in crisis mode and in need of support or help is, well, kind of offensive. My first thought when I realized this was that I need to assure them that I am fine and need nothing – right now, I need to let them know right now. I know, that is the most f-ed up response to the people closest to me wanting to help me. But perhaps that has something to do with how I got here. I really had to stop myself and think it through. I knew I was being ridiculous but I didn’t know how else to handle it.
Perhaps this is my crisis. Not so much the not drinking but trying to figure out who I am and want to be in this world. I run the danger of keeping everything to myself and “handling” it all on my own – which we all know has never worked. But perhaps this is my opportunity to be someone different. Maybe I can become that person who is ok saying, I’m not ok. And maybe I can be that person who says, I need help. And then maybe, just maybe, I can become that person who accepts the help and support I am offered. Maybe.