I suppose in the new world of sobriety, everything is a first. But this is a real first for me. My very first blog! I have no plan or outline or goals to fill for myself. I just wanted a place to share. So I guess I will start with how I got here.
We’ve all heard about “rock bottom.” Well, if you figure out what that is, please let me know. I think I can list at least a dozen experiences of mine that others might consider rock bottom but I managed to soldier on. I am an unapologetically outspoken person who likes to drink and am a little quirky to boot. So “humiliating” myself in a drunken stooper rarely felt humiliating. Even now, through my sober lens, I still find most of the stories pretty humorous. I work and have my own business but I am not the primary breadwinner in my family so, while the more I make the better, the slow demise of my business did not put me (or us) in ruins. And I was pretty good at keeping it from my children. I mean, they knew I drank, they’ve seen me drunk… ok, maybe I didn’t hide it well from them. But there wasn’t some big “When A Man Loves A Woman” moment with one of my kids that got me here (this is a reference to a scene in the movie “When A Man Loves A Woman” – if you are unfamiliar with the movie, just trust me, it’s pretty bad). And it’s not like I put Baily’s in my coffee every morning or am pleasantly buzzed by the time the children get home. I’m more of a binge drinker. And I’m a smart binge drinker at that. I know how to plan my binges so that I am not responsible for anything major and sleeping off a hangover can be properly scheduled in.
So, how did I get here?
I’ve contemplated sobriety many times, but it just never seemed practical to me. The holidays were coming, a business trip (that needless to say required drinking) was fast approaching, my children/work/life were too stressful for sobriety, it was Tuesday. All the usual reasons. In addition, I have an enabler as a spouse. Don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining. It worked to my benefit for many many years! He is a wonderful and supportive person. But he also happens to be an enabler and I always knew how to get him on board. And, finally, I surrounded myself with drinkers who were always willing to throw down with me and I didn’t want to risk losing my friends for sobriety!
But when my closest and dearest and least judgemental friends let me know they were worried, some signals went off. My first thought was, I clearly need to hide my drinking from them. In retrospect, that probably should have been my first clue. That was two years ago and I am only recently sober. So, it clearly didn’t hit me quickly. But it was with those exact same friends a little over a month ago that I admitted I needed help. I’m not sure how they heard me from the backseat of the car with my head in the bucket they gave me in case I threw up, but they did and kindly reminded me of it all the next day.
My husband, at the behest of my friends, researched in and outpatient placements but they were simply not in our budget. Not to mention the fact that we have more than a few children and my presence in the house was necessary – sober or not. I am very familiar with 12 step programs. I grew up with and currently know alcoholics/addicts. Some recovering, some not. I’ve also attended Al-Anon on and off most of my life so none of this was new. But, and maybe this is because I am familiar with it, it seemed so overwhelming. Too much responsibility and accountability that I wasn’t ready for. I even have a very close friend who has been sober for a long time but I couldn’t bring myself to call her. It was just too much.
So, I admitted I need to stop drinking. But I also gave myself permission to fall off the wagon under about 93 different circumstances should they arise. This way I didn’t have to harbor too much guilt should I fall. I asked my husband not to drink at home, came up with some ever so sneaky ways to make sure no one knew I wasn’t drinking (because the best way to get sober is to keep it a complete secret), and my journey begins!